Dear Croppie: Online Circles Speak

It can be hard to keep up with all of the intricacies of crop circle discussion online and from time to time The Croppie gets asked about it. This handy guide should help you in making sense of all the bickering, arguing and puzzling terminology that you’ll come across.

Accusation bank: What’s up, buttercup? Someone giving you a hard time in the croppie Facebook groups? React by hysterically falling back upon your bank of stock insults which we have heard time and time before. For example, ‘narcissist … troll … crazy … obsessive … stalker … racist … you employ a troll army.’ If you’re making accusations against a woman call them a bike. Just be aware that when you excessively utilise these terms you’ll become bound by the law of fruitcake crumbs. See psychopath, narcissist, projection, flogging a snapped stomper.

Agent: The leading fan of an individual land artist. This person will persistently and unflinchingly clear up the mess left by the pseudo-circle maker on Facebook, defending them to the hilt of their white knight’s sword, no matter what has unfolded.

Airwolf: Derogatory name for a well known circles photographer who utilises a helicopter for his work.

Ansty: Wiltshire village at the centre of a crop circle scandal involving an honest circle maker who claimed we oppose deception yet knowingly helped the farmer sell a commissioned crop circle as a mystery to unwitting members of the public.

Art: At base level no more than a pretty picture in a field. Some understand the real art begins only once a crop circle is discovered.

Attention seeking spammer: Remind the world of your fading relevance to cerealogy by spamming photos and videos of your old circles everywhere you can. See Ansty, living on past glories, Team Clandestine, Circle Chasers.

Bike: Use this term as a desperate diversionary tactic if you’ve been thoroughly destroyed by a female croppie in a spat. Call the woman’s sexual conduct into question in the hope of immediately winning over any misognyists who may be reading.

Block and bitch: Tactic of bitter croppies around the globe who don’t have the ability to go head to head with the person they dislike. Block the person who can take you down in an argument and then bitch about them whilst they can’t see you. Popularised by Team Clandestine‘s agent Hamish Jacobs. See butthurt.

Bottom of the delusional barrel: What you have struck when you attempt to convince a top of the pile circle maker that their finest work only came about as a result of the physical labour you gave them whilst stomping in a field. Often a prelude to suicide watch. Still, at least you weren’t involved in this one:

Busy boy: A circle maker perceived to have been travelling across the country to work their magic here, there and everywhere. Even on nights before work. In reality, the busy boy has been tucked up in bed and your own paranoia has caused you to jump to yet another incorrect conclusion.

Butthurt: How Team Clandestine agent Hamish Jacobs felt when he read the entry on Block and Bitch. It really didn’t go down well.

Calendar: Morons and bitter hoaxers believe this term is a codeword for fortune in chatter between circle makers, Airwolf and drone leeches. Anyone who has seen a calendar knows it’s an object that links the days of the week to dates in the month. Advanced stuff for idiots.

CGI: A topless man who collects money from people who want to go into a crop circle. The cash is then given to the farmer.

Charity event: A crop circle that appears in the vicinity of Hackpen Hill, near Swindon. See CGI and usual suspects.

Christmas puddings: Those who engage in online bickering over the festive season.

Chorley’s Law: See it’s just flattened corn.

Circle Chasers: The septic tank of all Facebook groups, filled with unsubstantiated allegations, innuendo and some of the most curious croppies you could ever have the (mis)fortune to encounter.

Circle maker’s purgatory: The agony of being unable to make crop circles during the season. Reasons for entering this state include physical injury, state imposed lockdowns, being on holiday or gaining a reputation for being so useless nobody else will work with you.

Circle maker’s remorse: Guilt experienced by a circle maker, often as a result of reading an interview with a circles afflicted farmer in the local newspaper. The circle maker will attempt to make some sort of penance for their actions. For example, ‘I saw Terry go back to the field each day for five weeks, paying the CGI a fiver each time.’ 

Circle making detritus: Waste and other items accidentally or carelessly left behind by very human circle makers in their formations. Examples include stompers, markers, poles, tape reels, tape handles, plastic bags, mobile phones, car keys, cigarette ends, beer bottles etc.

Coded message: A feature within a crop circle that you are convinced was deliberately inserted as a direct dig at paranoid old you. For example, the seven petals on a flower motif were included in a specific formation because you have a compulsion to touch your nose seven times whenever you hear the word ‘dandelion’ on a sturgeon moon.

Hey, even if you know one circle did possess a coded message it doesn’t mean there was one planned for the future, never mind one meant for a fruitloop like you.

Commission: A paid circle making job intended to advertise a commercial product. Apparently there are vast fortunes to be made from accepting a commission. Notable examples of such works include those produced for breakfast cereal companies, car makers, edgy metal bands, meat retailers and bong manufacturers. Employ the term to belittle circle making rivals regardless of their preference for anonymity. For example, ‘They suck as circle makers because they’ve had zero commissions, whereas Andy Addict has had three,’ or ‘Circlemakers.org made millions from their commissioned pieces.’

Control: The aim of power mad croppies who desperately want everyone to think the same way they do. Those who pursue such control may end up on suicide watch. See man baby.

Creation myths: Fanciful tales related to the beginning of the crop circle phenomenon. They are limitless in scope and regularly feature the grossly uncharitable old drunks motif in their content. For example, ‘My grandad told me he watched from the pub window when his drunk mates went into the neighbouring field and rolled around to make the very first crop circle.’

Crop Circle Challenge: Unwinnable competition established by actress Sarah Miles for circle makers to precisely reproduce the legendary Milk Hill ‘galaxy’ formation to the nearest stem. Spawned a Facebook page of the same name run by an exceptionally angry useful idiot called Janez Ferjancic.

Crows following the seed drill: Eerie croppies who spend their daily lives examining every social media post ever made by someone of whom they disapprove. They do this in the hope of finding something to use against their chosen target. Once they’ve finished with Facebook and Instagram they start on Google then Bing. A process to be repeated every twelve hours. Destined to generate a visit from social services once these crows’ children begin to look emaciated.

Deception: According to morons this is the practice of doing anything other than jumping up and down whilst screaming ‘all crop circles are manmade’.

Disinformation: The deliberate release of information that is known to be part-or-totally false. It makes croppiedom go round.

Distraction circle: Messed up a single circle or quintuplet that took you the best part of three hours? Distract aerial photographers and cover up your mistake by using the remaining fifty minutes of darkness to whack down a quadruple julia set. Here’s a classic example of a distraction circle made in less than fifteen minutes:

Diversion: What you employ to take everyone’s attention from your own Facebook mess-ups. Utilise before Sunday morning house cleaning.

Drone leech: Someone who photographs crop circles using a UAV and makes a fortune from YouTube views or selling photos and calendars. It must be taken as read that the photographer’s knowledge of human circle making is being deliberately withheld from a guileless public.

Dutch courage: The consumption of mind altering substances just before your latest circle making disaster is shown to the general public. When you are suitably hammered it’s time to sit down behind the keyboard and go on the attack.

Emergency circle: Crop circle gone wrong? Construct a massive ring around the thing, flatten it and incorporate the signature of the circle makers you want to see publicly blamed for messing up.

End of season blues: Come mid-August and the end of season blues set in. The nights are beginning to get longer and the crop circle season is over, or shortly will be. It sucks … and next April is a good two thirds of a year away. It’s an awful feeling but we will get through it and next year this whole crazy game will rekindle itself.

Exaggerating farmer: A farmer who feels the need to overplay the monetary cost to their business from the crop circle that appeared on their land. For example, ‘With the price of wheat being so high I reckon that sixteen metre diameter circle has cost me the best part of ten thousand pounds.’ See watch the price of Hovis go up.

Fam: Cool speak for ‘friend’. Use in derogatory fashion. For example, ‘You’re talking shit, fam.’

Farmers’ law: Most farmers are ordinary people who may be extremely annoyed to see a crop circle on their land. Given the upset they may act in a way that is out of character. Respect their wishes and there is a good chance they will refrain from cutting out any future circles appearing on their property.

Field pixies: Little people who live in hedgerows and appear after dark to sabotage the antics of any circle makers or pseudo-circle makers who drop by. Currently very active in Somerset judging by the wonk found there in recent years.

Flogging a snapped stomper: Repetively banging on about the same old point, again and again in the hope someone, somewhere, will listen and become a useful idiot. Usually accompanied by screenshots from private conversations that are more than half a decade old.

Flower of life: The coolest, hippest, most radical and original piece of geometry you’ve ever encountered.

Fooling nobody but yourself: That moment you actually start to believe the nonsense you are spewing online. For example, ‘I really am the best circle maker and nobody else comes close.’ See Team Clandestine and Bottom of the delusional barrel.

Fortune: What the we oppose deception brigade believe crop circle photographers and merchandise sellers are making, even if they are running at a loss.

Genuine crop circle: A totally meaningless term given that it can mean completely different things to everyone who uses it.

Get some sleep: Up on Facebook and raging all night because The Croppie penned something you didn’t like? Remember, it’s just flattened corn and nobody cares. 

Gold digger: Female croppie in a relationship with an older man. There can’t be any other motive for this relationship than money grabbing, right? After all, you just know everyone thinks like you and love really isn’t a consideration for anyone.

Gonna get exposed: A threat to release the same old gossip about the same old person in the same way you’ve been doing for years. See Flogging a snapped stomper.

Gonna tell his boss: Empty words used as an attempt to scare any individual you suspect of being a circle maker. Threaten to get in touch with their employer unless they hang up their stomper, although the likelihood is their boss already knows what they get up to or nobody cares.

Got better things to do: An excuse you come up with to explain why you’ve got to withdraw from Facebook bitching for twenty minutes to see your support worker or a visitor from social services.

Green eyed circle making monster: Don’t you remember when you were at school and that guy with the really expensive trainers flaunted his cash on non-uniform day? He went on to get all the girls, drive an Audi and move out of Andover for Stockbridge. He’ll be living in the Clatfords by the end of the year. Yeah, that’s him. He’s the one. Now you see him echoed in the circle makers getting those commissions, the drone leeches and Airwolf making a fortune by selling their photos and calendars. You see dear old Lucy Pringle taking the odd snap from up high; she’s supping the champers and scoffing strawberries above your crop circle whilst listening to Wimbledon on the radio. Her laugh reaches your ears and you feel the burn. You’re the one working hard in the field with your stomper and surveyor’s tape. You’re the one spending your cash on petrol. All those parasites get the fame and cash and celebrity status. Now you want a slice of their cake and you will not stop until you get it. Before long you’ll be a man baby.

Grooming: Fed up with people who don’t agree with your opinion? Rather than acknowledge they might be right it’s easier to employ cognitive dissonance and conclude those naughty dissenters have had their views shaped by someone you don’t like. There’s just no other possible reason why they disagreed with you; they must have fallen under the spell of a smooth talker. For example, ‘They only believe that chickens make crop circles because they have been groomed by drone leeches.’

Alternatively, employ ‘grooming’ as a loaded term to deter new acquaintances from speaking to croppies you dislike; the perverted undertones of the word will ensure your targets are the subject of all sorts of hideous allegations for years to come. Example: ‘You don’t want to read The Croppie. The owner is very good at grooming its readers.’

Guileless public: Lots of people believe crop circles have a paranormal origin. Rationalise this by concluding the general public are a helpless and dim bunch. It goes without saying that you’re the intellectually superior individual up to the job of saving true believers from themselves.

Hate blog: Your view of The Croppie when you’ve read something you don’t like in these pages.

Head Meds: Taken by any self-respecting croppie who wants to haul themselves away from a bad place. These people aren’t the issue within croppiedom: it’s the psychopaths.

Honest circle maker: a circle making archetype where ‘honest’ should be taken to read ‘self-interested’. This individual has decided they wish to ensure everyone knows crop circles are made by people. They will stand up against those they believe are making money from the phenomenon, having been visited by the green eyed circle making monster. Note that from time to time the honest circle maker will ensure their own work is released with an edge of mystery, but only if they think this approach will make them a fortune or get their creation in the newspapers. An agent is then utilised to gloss over the hypocrisy. See Ansty, tribute, man baby etc.

Honest researcher: the cerealogical equivalent of the honest circle maker. Lives by the mantra we oppose deception whilst publishing their own fabricated images of aliens and UFOs.

I used to be a circle maker: Apply gravitas to your opinion by reminiscing about your days as a circle maker and claiming authorship of whichever crop circles you choose. (Ten minutes making a small smiley face on a hillside in Essex during 1992 really doesn’t count.) An unwise tactic as you’ll attract derision from both paranormalists and real circle makers.

Intimate: A small crop circle hyped up by the Crop Circle Connector during a slow week. For example, check out this intimate piece of wonk:

Invasion: The actions of a circle making team who decide to encroach upon the territory of another team. Guaranteed to cause maximum butthurt.

It’s just flattened corn: Otherwise known as Chorley’s Law. The bottom line of croppiedom. No matter how much you hate on others, no matter how much those same people upset you, no matter how convinced you are that your theories are the right ones, no matter how much you try to control the phenomenon… you’re getting all worked up over nothing more than plants that have been pressed to the ground.

I’ve been around the Wiltshire scene since 1990: Nonsense you tell other Facebook users in an attempt to add some weight to your wildly minsiformed argument. Truth is you visited Swindon on a shopping trip with your aunt Jemima in the winter of 1990.

I’ve no particular allegiance: The opening of any weasel-like attempt to make the reader believe you’ve no biases towards any specific individuals in the crop circle world. Also called ‘doing a Robin.’

Inverse square law of crop circles: The further one is from Wiltshire, the more likely one is to be totally clueless about what goes in the county’s fields.

Lack of empathy: A trait of callous circle makers who have no concern about the livelihoods of the poor farmers whose fields they target. For example, ‘The makers of that circle demonstrated a real lack of empathy towards the multi-millionaire land owner who was slumming it in his yacht.’ If this doesn’t show circle makers are ‘narcissistic sociopaths’ then I don’t know what does. See accusation bank.

Law of fruitcake crumbs: Accept that every time you engage in unreasonable behaviour within Facebook crop circle groups there will be someone who screencaps everything and saves it for a rainy day.

Living on past glories: Picture the top flight footballer who lost his form when the ravages of alcohol and narcotics took their toll. He dropped down through the leagues, still talking a great game but failing to rediscover even a tenth of his capabilities. Even so, he still believes he is head and shoulders above everyone else, spurred on by his agent. Now, apply this metaphor to the circle making world. See Bottom of the delusional barrel, Team Clandestine etc.

LOL: What a psychopath writes at the end of a post to make out they’re so not bothered. Of course, they’re so not bothered they’re foaming at the mouth.

Luther Blissett: Dupe your enemies by creating a Facebook sock puppet account shared by multiple users. Those bad guys really won’t have any idea who they’re talking to. Effective for six minutes until the mixed writing styles betray you. Then you’ll keep denying it until the cows come home. Also called the Karen Eliot tactic and the Cipro Clerc ploy.

Made for Airwolf’s conference: An tradition re-enacted in the lead up to, and at the time of the annual crop circle conference in Devizes. It involves every new circle within a six thousand mile radius being dismissed by cynics as made for conference attendees to visit.

Maker: The person you are utterly convinced designed and led the construction process of a crop circle. Whether the individual in question was involved or not is entirely irrelevant. A scapegoat helps fulfil the needs of your paranoia.

Making shit up: Whip up a storm of sympathy by making up tales about what other croppies haven’t said about you or done to you.

Man baby: When a croppie becomes desperate for fame, control or money they will likely find themselves frustrated. Watch with amusement as they throw their toys out of the pram whilst ranting, raving, hissy fitting and making out the whole world is against them. Often a prelude to suicide watch.

Manmade: Interchangeable with ‘fake’, this term has been leveled at each and every crop circle in the age of social media. The word must be used as stand alone comment with or without an accompanying emoji.

Married girlfriend: The usual ploy of a psychopath, accuse a male croppie of having a relationship with a married female croppie. The truth really is of no concern to the loon. It’s all about satisfying their own vendetta.

Misplaced loyalty: Making a fool of yourself by defending indefensible opinions or actions performed by your favourite people. For example, ‘It showed great creativity and ingenuity on behalf of those circle makers to climb Silbury Hill and make something up there.’

Monstrous: The adjective you will apply to a crop circle made by someone you dislike, regardless of its technical merits.

Movement: A feature agents bestow upon wonk produced by their favourite circle makers. For example, the circle below may be poorly surveyed, inaccurate rubbish but ‘it’s got movement’. 

Narcotics induced decline: A reduction in a person’s circle making ability driven by years of alcohol and drug abuse. Famous examples include Terry Roderick and Team Clandestine.

Narcissist: Stock insult thrown at those croppies you don’t like. You think using this word makes you sound clever and like a medical professional. In reality everyone can see it’s clear you haven’t checked the definition of the word.

Nemesis: Delusional overestimation of one’s sense of strength and expertise in the eyes of others. Given you spent last night playing in the corner of a field having spent the last two years living on past glories, actions are far more telling than empty posturing.

New year, new start: The beginning of the new crop circle season invites positivity. A fresh beginning. Give it five minutes and all of the bitches and tossers will come out of hibernation.

Nobody cares: the truth about the content of your Facebook spats.

Not woke safe: the excuse given by a Facebook group owner for their total failure to moderate any of the content. See Circle Chasers.

Now the amateurs are having a go: How we miss the old Crop Circle Wisdom website. This phrase would get trotted out from late July into August as new circles made by anyone other than the site owner’s mates were routinely savaged.

Nutjobs gotta be nutjobs: We are all different in the croppie world, fam.

Obsessive behaviour: Given how easy it is to unfairly define someone as a stalker, a proper term is needed for the croppie weirdo who genuinely follows you around online or turns up at your doorstep. See open source obsessive behaviour.

Obvious sock puppet: There is no point setting up a sock puppet unless you can disguise your personal writing style or any obsessions you may possess. For example, if you’re a village idiot who loves Glastonbury it’s totally obvious who you are when you call your sock puppet Jenny Tor. Yes, Glastonbury Tor. Plus the soundalike genital reference really is your level. See trying too hard, talking to yourself, sock puppets outing sock puppets.

Old drunks: A specific take on the usual suspects trope. The creation of a specific formation or the phenomenon as a whole is pinned on the shoulders of two or more merrily inebriated pensioners. Of course, the root of this motif is embedded in the work of Doug Bower and Dave Chorley, but their portrayal as intoxicated yokels is grossly inaccurate.

Open source obsessive behaviour: Attempt to make the subject of your obsessive behaviour worried by making out you know loads about them. For example, their car model, address and brand of shoes they prefer. In reality, all you’re doing is digging up information that anyone can find online through social media, Companies House or other sources. 

Orbs: Interchangeable term for balls of light seen by the naked eye or on photographs. A cause of constant online merriment as these phenomena are taken very seriously by croppies.

Playing in the corner of a field: Turn up drunk to a circle making job and your teammates will lead you to a little patch of long grass at the edge of the field. Here you can push your stomper around until you fall asleep. Your team will drag you away from your vomit before first light and nobody will be any wiser.

Pony boy: The editor of The Croppie. Written as an insult but received as a compliment, directly influencing the quantity of references to characters from the cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic within The Croppie. Here’s Applejack…

Projection: the act of slapping your own character traits and psychological issues onto someone else as a method of personal attack. Serves the dual purpose of making your enemy look bad and easing your own mental anguish. Such tactics are no longer theraputic once you begin to see the insufferable moron you truly are; yes, you’re really calling another human obsessed and lonely whilst you spend all day sat behind a keyboard, ignoring the boiling pan on the hob and sticking pins into voodoo dolls of girls who ran a mile after that first date.

Pseudo-circle: name given to something that looks like a crop circle but was made as authored land art. We used to call them hoaxes but the hoaxers became a little upset by this.

Psychiatric assessment: Desperately needed by many croppies. See psychopath, Circle Chasers. Pony Boy has been there and it seems you need to do yourself a favour and follow suit.

Psychopath: Is any definition needed when this screenshot says everything about just one of the fruitloops the phenomenon attracts?

Pure geometry: Weird concept employed by circle making pretenders and fantasists. It involves them excusing their wonk by claiming the design ‘came from the heart.’ This statement automatically renders their geometry ‘pure’. No, The Croppie doesn’t get it either. We guess the closest comparison is the bad singer who claims to have a ‘pure voice’ as he bashes out emotive, tuneless, personal ballads of woe.

Race card: At the bottom of the barrel because everyone knows you’re a psychopath? Try to garner sympathy by claiming everyone is being racist because of your accent, where you live, the restraining order slapped by Interpol on your door etc.

Recycled design: Hate on the work of despised circle makers by claiming their supposed latest creation includes elements from other formations. You will conveniently ignore how every formation containing a circular shape is, by your own definition, recycled.

Ready for war: The now annual proclamation from Team Clandestine on how their supposed rivals (plus drone leeches and Airwolf) are going to be publicly exposed. Always a damp squib because nobody cares.

Retirement: What you claim you’re going to be doing when you’re simply in a huff and want to generate sympathy on social media. The cerealogical equivalent of a threatened rage quit. We all know you’ll be back in the fields at the end of April next year. See new year new start.

Rivals: What you like to think other circle makers are, when, in practice, you’re not fit to tie their laces.

Run out of ideas: When crop circles stopped appearing in the middle of August 2020, somebody asked why. ‘The circle makers have run out of ideas, I expect,’ replied one half wit. Well, no, idiot, the farmers have been harvesting their wheat. No canvas means no crop circles. Duh.

Shouting into the void: The action of screaming murder online when nobody is listening and nobody cares, even when you think it’s the most important thing in the entire universe. You end up making yourself look rather foolish.

Signature: a tell-tale design feature supposedly left by a circle maker in what you believe to be their work. Examples include rings of radially flattened crop, weave effects, satellite circles and swastika type shapes.

Snake in the grass: Someone who doesn’t share your views on how things should be in the world of croppiedom and cerealogy. Subject of a few tributes through the years.

So not bothered: which is why you’re reading this.

Socialblade: A website claiming to reveal how much is generated from advertising on individual YouTube channels. Frequently used as a reference tool by those afflicted with the green eyed circle making monster to bash those they suspect of being drone leeches.

Sock puppet: A social media account set up to make posts under a fake identity. Generally used to make scurrilous allegations about a third party. See trying too hard, talking to yourself, obvious sock puppet, sock puppets outing sock puppets.

Sock puppets outing sock puppets: The undignified spectacle of a social media sock puppet account complaining someone else’s account is also fake, as if the former’s faecal matter doesn’t stink. See Circle Chasers, Team Clandestine.

Sonya’s law: It is unwise to be a circle maker and, at the same time, close to researchers who promote supernatural theories to explain the phenomenon.

Ssssswale, Watsssson and Alisssson: Three croppies clearly living rent free inside your delusion addled brain. That you endlessly go on about them, and hiss like a snake when you say their names, suggests you’ve got a really unhealthy obsession there. The Croppie suggests you request some form of psychiatric assessment. See obsessive behaviour.

Stalker: Battered in a Facebook debate by someone you don’t like? Next time they aim a comment at you, no matter where or when, accuse them of following you around the internet obsessively. See obsessive behaviour.

Stalkers and copycats fail: The hilarious fail of accusing a circle maker of copying another circle maker’s work, when in fact both formations came from the same hand. See inverse square law of crop circles.

Suicide watch: A dark place that a smattering of croppies find themselves in, their lives having been badly affected by the circles. At this point you should rethink your relationship with the phenomenon. Is it worth all of the pain given that it’s just flattened corn?

Sunday morning house cleaning: the process of waking up, looking at the drunken Facebook rampage you went on the previous night and deleting your comments. You do this as we oppose deception.

Supercilious self-delusion: the fanciful belief you’re way better than everyone else. Used as an insult towards a third party, although the term is a method of projection from the writer. After all, who else would use such a ridiculously pompous phrase beyond someone who wished to display their intellectual superiority? For example, ‘One has heard it rumored The Croppie is narcissistic and displays a supercilious self-delusion.’

Talking to yourself: Can’t win anyone over to your way of thinking? Set up any number of alternative Facebook accounts in the name of people who do not exist. Now make your point by setting up a sham discussion that ends in full agreement between these fakes. See sock puppet.

Team Clandestine: Attention seeking pseudo-circle making team with a specialism in substance abuse and tributes. Given their name and the shame of their rapid decline you’d think they’d keep quiet about what they’ve made. However, they want to be famous.

Team Shite’Un: Quasi-mythical circle making team who are regularly blamed for new formations across the south of England. Their ability to induce paranoia in far flung and widely scattered places is unmatched in a contemporary setting. The actual output of Team Shite’Un is vastly exceeded by the number of allegations thrown their way.

The Crappie: Name given to this website by individuals who don’t like it. Bet those same individuals were pretty pleased with themselves when they came up with such an imaginative title.

The Journey: Most croppies come to the field with bright, wide open eyes. At some point their beliefs begin to be challenged. They will typically choose one of three options. One, they will walk away and should feel no shame or embarrassment in doing so. Two, they will pursue the path of bitterness that may ultimately lead them to step back or become the latest croppie on suicide watch. Third, they will put their head down and continue on in their beliefs regardless of what is taking place around them.

Transsexuals: People idiots still feel the need to laugh about in 2020.

Tribute: A cynical ploy to get your work in the newspapers by capitalising on the death or misfortune of others.

Trying too hard: A term with two definitions. One, the behaviour of a croppie desperately attempting to be edgy, clever or slippery on social media when it’s obvious to everyone else what they’re up to. Two, the actions of a circle making team trying to prove a point and failing miserably. For example, ‘When that circle looking like a pair of y-fronts appeared it was clear they were trying too hard to be funny,’ or,’the losers who put down that crappy second circle at Sixpenny Handley were trying too hard to outdo the makers of the first circle.’

Troll: An individual who defeats you in a debate having made two or more comments in a thread. See stalker.

Troll Army: What you believe another croppie has recruited to have a pop at you on Facebook. Nothing of the sort has happened: multiple people genuinely think you’re a tit.

Turning a blind eye: Damning the actions of one group of individuals whilst ignoring similar or identical actions from another.

Unfairly taking credit: Taking ownership of a crop circle that was not yours to claim. See Team Clandestine.

Useful idiot: Naive croppie with an online presence who is open to manipulation by third parties. In most cases they are used to release disinformation about others in the crop circle world. For example, in 2019 the Crop Circle Challenge‘s Janez Ferjancic published screenshots which were given to him by a third party. This individual suggested circle makers and a photographer were blackmailing another circle maker. All nonsense but it didn’t prevent Ferjancic from earning himself the useful idiot title.

Usual suspects: An assortment of (almost always inaccurate) archetypal character types used to portray human circle makers within cerealogical folklore. These include old drunks, young farmers, mischievous students from the local agricultural college, skint farmers, vandals and photographers. See creation myths.

Village idiot: Every village or small town has a resident simpleton who isn’t the most gifted in the brain department. (Just ask the folk of Ton Pentre.) Some of them end up becoming circle makers. Infamous for the creation of endless bird brained schemes to win control of croppiedom, each and every one of which fails miserably.

Victim: A croppie who sees themself as the brunt of naughty behaviour and the nefarious activities of others. Victims tend to ignore the reality that it is their own assholery that has led to their decline. A victim may also be a man baby and crave control. May end up with a victim complex and then on suicide watch.

Victim complex: A favourite of croppies challenged about their behaviour and beliefs, or simply those croppies looking for a useful idiot to take up their cause. Involves feigning weakness and whining ‘They’re only picking on me because [insert excuse here].’ Ensure you make yourself out to be totally innocent. See projection, race card.

Wake up: What you shout at others who don’t share your view of how the crop circle world should be.

Wanker tracks: The lines left by visitors to circles who choose to gain access by walking across the field, flattening crop as they go, rather than making their way down a tramline.

Watch the price of Hovis go up: Idiotic claim made by an exaggerating farmer from Surrey who suggested a single crop circle on their land would lead to an increase in the price of Hovis bread products.

We oppose deception: The ironic mantra of those who obsessively try to convert paranormal believers to a more skeptical approach, particularly as those who shout the loudest are often guilty of actively replacing one form of deception with another. Yet they all seem to rail against any lies of any kind. Popularised by the old Crop Circle Wisdom website. See control.

Who cares? Clearly you do, having written three paragraphs on the subject matter.

Wonk: The features within a crop circle believed to have been inaccurately made.